Confession: I have a serious idol called The Number of Kids I Will Have.
I’m completely obsessed. I daydream about it and I bother Doug about it. I pick out their names and I picture us on a Christmas card. I consider the car we’ll best fit in (Tahoe) and nice restaurants that won’t throw us out (Houston’s). I think: Two Kids Sounds Good. Maybe three, but only after settling in neatly with two, and largely depending on the gender of #2, because of course we must try for the boy. Unless I have just watched Parenthood; then all bets are off and I want four kids and it will have to be a Suburban.
And yet, there is nothing to force you into face-off with this particular idol like a hiccup in your tidy little plan involving pearly-white SUVs and family supper at upscale eateries.
My obsession now mingles with trepidation:
Will I get pregnant quickly the next time?
Can I even have more kids?
Did Emerson break my uterus?
I don’t know the answer to these questions, but thankfully God does. I also can’t help but remember an incredibly moving moment at our church, The Village Church of Irvine, not too long ago. I love everything about our church: community driven, multi-generational and five minutes down the road from us.
And I love that on the most recent baby dedication day, after the sweet babes were committed to God by their sleep-deprived parents, our Pastor Matt asked the congregation if anyone would like to stand and share a word with the young families.
One man stood, white-haired, sturdy and wise-looking. I’ll never forget what he said:
“In today’s society, people have their 2.5 kids, which they plan and save for so carefully. But I came from a family with 12 children. 12! And you know what? God took care of us. It wasn’t always easy and it wasn’t always neat and tidy, but we were happy and there was love in our household. I would tell everyone, every single young family here, not to worship the number of kids you will have. Take it day by day, and trust that the Lord’s got it handled, whether you have one or 12.”
So this morning, even as I’m tempted to start plotting possible due dates or conduct more research on age gaps and family size, I’m so ready to not worship the number. Right now, it doesn’t feel like it’s up to me, anyway—and maybe it never was.
And I don’t think it will matter too much the car we drive or the places we eat, as long as there’s love in our household.
What’s my number?
I truly have no idea.
I’ll send you our Christmas card in 2030.
I’m just so proud of you and everything God is teaching you. And I’m right there with you…it’s sooo easy to plan, and forget that The Lord knows who He has for us to parent, when they will come, and how many there will be. I used to watch 7th heaven & want a big family, and now I think 2 would be nice. I have 2 hands, there are 2 parents, most things come in family 4 packs, cars all seat 4 easily, etc. I also thought I’d have had all those kids by now, not that they’d be with Jesus, leaving me wondering if I’ll ever have any. I love that despite all the questions we all have, we can trust The Lord for His perfect, faithful sovereignty, and stand together and encourage each other when we’re not sure how to trust. Thanks for sharing.
Oh, it just means so much to me to hear your heart, girl!! I get SO far down the planning path in my head sometimes… Which then makes it SO easy to become frustrated and disappointed. I am really learning what it means to surrender. <3 And I totally identify with you! I came from four kids so I always thought I would have to have four, because that is what a happy, godly family looks like! But I am learning that families come in all shapes and sizes, with all sorts of different timing. Thank you so much for sharing your own thoughts with me; it makes it so much better when we can stick together, trust together and learn from each other! Big hugs and lots of love... So excited to see what God has for you 🙂