Good Grief: 10 Simple Things to Do for a Sad Friend

First of all, your incredibly loving messages, comments, emails, texts and calls the past few days have meant the absolute WORLD to me. You have no idea. I shared a very personal story and you responded with the greatest empathy and support. I’m so deeply touched, and I also feel touched on behalf of the millions and millions of women who have been in my shoes—especially the many of you who’ve reached out to me with your personal stories. Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU.

Secondly, in dealing with recent grief, I’ve observed that it’s both hard and strange. It seems to linger a little too long and make us all feel a bit squeamish. And yet, it is unavoidable. We lose parents, we lose jobs, we lose friends and we lose unborn babies.

So, how can we help each other?

When your super-sad friend is making you super uneasy, how can you rise above the awkwardness to offer some love they will always remember?

How can we give our best friends some good amid the overwhelming flood of their grief?

I don’t claim to have extensive experience in the field of mourning, but we’ve had a rough stretch in the wake of our miscarriage, especially in those first few dark days.

Here are 10 simple ways in which my friends and family showed their support in our immediate time of need—different ways I will never forget and will mirror again and again in the future:

1. Drop off flowers or a gift with no invitation and no intention of staying. Two of my closest girlfriends did this for me, and I was just moved to tears. They dropped everything to meet me in my pain. One brought me beautiful flowers; the other left a girly, pick-me-up care package on my doorstep complete with chocolate chip cookies, nail polish and Gidget on DVD.

2. Feed them. Tell your friend you are dropping off dinner tonight, or lunch tomorrow if that’s better. Don’t take no for an answer, and don’t ask, “Is there anything I can do for you?” They will say no, even though there is: FOOD. Make something easy or send for pizza; doesn’t have to be fancy.

3. Offer to babysit. It’s so hard to grieve purely and properly with a sweet toddler and her so. many. needs. Take your distraught friend’s kid(s) for a minute, even if it’s literally only a minute.

4. Give them a hug. Humans were made to hug each other, especially in moments of sorrow.

5. Just say, “I’m SO sorry.” Nobody knows what to say in times of unbearable sadness. That’s okay. Just say that you’re sorry and that your heart is heavy with theirs.

6. Give them one of these books. Mostly, I’m against saying, “Read this book!!!” to the brokenhearted. These perspective-altering gems are my token exception: Experiencing Grief by H. Norman Wright, Streams in the Desert by Lettie B. Cowman and Jim Reimann, and Bittersweet by Shauna Niequist (this last one particularly for women, and even more particularly for women who’ve suffered miscarriages or infertility).

7. Pick up the phone. Definitely call or text your friend right away, depending on the circumstance and how you typically communicate. In some cases, phone calls are more meaningful or necessary, but in many others, texts feel more convenient and natural. If you get your friend’s voicemail, you might mention that they don’t need to call you back; this is helpful and alleviates any unneeded pressure.

8. Write a kind note or email. We’re so very iPhoney these days; any gesture beyond the handheld device always touches my soul unexpectedly. Take a few minutes to write a few complete sentences from your heart.

9. Don’t avoid them. The grieving feel displaced enough without their friends avoiding them like the plague. I know we sad people are scary, but at some point, you’ll be sad, too, and I guarantee you won’t want to be abandoned.

10. Pray for them. Nothing beats the power of prayer. Prayer that the Lord washes over your friend with supernatural comfort, grace, love, hope and peace during this unfair season of horrible sadness.

Lastly, go watch Brené Brown’s short video “The Power of Empathy” right this second. The highly impactful, quick clip will fold right into your psyche and change you forever. “Empathy fuels connection; sympathy drives disconnection.” “Rarely, if ever, does an empathic response begin with: At least…” Important stuff.

Do you have anything to add? Has a friend ever loved you exceptionally well in a time of sorrow? I would so love to learn from your stories.