On Life with My Social-Media-Free Husband

In the last few weeks, I’m sure most of you have seen the incredibly moving and heartbreaking video “Look Up,” a short rhyme-film targeted to the online generation addicted to social media and our smart phones. “Smart phones and dumb people.” KA-POW! If you did not see it, you absolutely must. The sequence uses a powerful love story to show the devastatingly numbing effects of digital over-obsession.

It made me guilty. It made me cry. It made me want to burn my phone and both my computers.

But of course, I won’t. Because for better or worse, I think social media is here to stay. Like so many things, it can be catastrophically damaging when not used carefully—as so movingly displayed in that video—and it’s so easy to use obsessively and for a million wrong reasons.

And yet, social media can accomplish great good. I believe it can connect people, spread important messages and serve as a powerful tool for positive influence.

Even on a simple level, I want to see my BFF, Brynne, and her son frolic through his toddler days in Manhattan. I want to follow my old friend Jedidiah Jenkins on his epic bicycle journey from Oregon to Patagonia. I want to actually know about my high school reunions, because how people did this before Facebook is beyond me and kudos to Senior Class Presidents in the decades of old.

Social media makes so much possible.

However, I am a blogger now. Totally not biased or anything.

For all the good, though, that video is IMPORTANT—even while it has received criticism for being “overly dramatized,” “hypercritical,” even “sentimental nonsense.” I think anything that receives 35 million+ views in a matter of days is definitely worth considering.

Also, one of my favorite writers, Shauna Niequist, says: “When something makes you cry, it means something. If we pay attention to our tears, they’ll show us something about ourselves.”

And that video most definitely made me cry—mostly because I fear that I saw myself, and I fear that I saw my husband on the sidelines of my NEED TO CONNECT NOW with anyone and everyone but the wonderful man sitting right next to me. The man I met in college when texting was novel and phone calls were necessary and some guy named Mark at Harvard was about to get a GENIUS idea.

Doug won my heart with hand-written letters in cursive. He does not use social media, at all. He used to use it sparingly, “only so he could be married to me on Facebook,” but then he signed off altogether because clearly that was a ridiculous reason, and he felt badly about ignoring all the constant alerts.

Doug’s indifference to social media is actually one of my favorite things about him. He is brilliant. He is focused. He is secure. He is social, quick-witted and wild-spirited. He is a man. He just personally doesn’t see the need to share whatever insignificant or significant details of his life with anyone but me, his close friends and his family. He doesn’t knock me or anyone else for ADORING social media, though; not at all. He totally gets it. Mostly gets it. It’s just not for him. He affectionately refers to me as our family’s “Social Media Representative.” That sounds important. I should make business cards.

Doug actually saw my blog for the first time the other day. But don’t get the wrong idea! He is my biggest supporter. He helped me select the logo. He provides topic ideas. And I read him almost every single post out loud the night after posting, sometimes the night before. I get his feedback. We sit on opposite couches and we talk about why a certain post was impressed on my heart to share, what he thought, what he might have changed, what made him laugh and what moved his soul.

We did this all the time when I was in grad school for writing and I’m so happy we have a reason to do it again. It is precious, invaluable connection time; much more meaningful than sending the link to his work email. Which of course, I have also done, though I doubt he opened it. And that’s okay because real estate brokers are busy and he shouldn’t be wasting time on mommy blogs, anyway, even if they are mine.

I think so often about how Doug’s thought processes throughout the day must look SO different from my own. I don’t know how many times I check my phone per day, exactly, but it’s at least 10. Maybe 10 million. As I swipe and tap rapidly, the random thoughts beat like a seriously over-caffeinated pulse point.

Aw, they look like they’re having fun. She got her MBA; impressive! He got divorced?! She’s pregnant AGAIN?! This looks like an interesting article. That meme is really annoying. My hair looks so drab in this pic. Should I go light again? Stick with brunette? I should compare Kim Kardashian’s light and dark hair pics because that makes total and complete relevant sense as a use of my time. Hey, let’s see what my hair was doing in college. College! What is she up to? I should look her up. WHOA! She’s a model! Let’s check out her website. Wow, she looks incredible! I should work out more. And eat healthier. Dinner. What should I make for dinner? Something healthy. Thank God for Foodgawker! Let’s go barrage my subconscious with more fancy recipes I’ll never cook, to drive home my inadequacy a bit more.

ON AND ON AND ON. THE NOISE THE NOISE THE NOISE.

I picture my brain to look like this:

And Doug’s brain to look like this:

And I want more of THAT.

Less noise and more head space.

Less FaceTime, more face time.

Less comparison, more contentment.

I absolutely need better balance.

I need to use a good thing better than I currently am.

Because that video convicted my heart.

I don’t want Emerson thinking her mommy’s a robot. I need to learn how to give her my undivided attention without my hand twitching nervously for something to scroll. I need to leave my phone in the car during date nights and just give the sitter Doug’s number. I need to set hours for my Facebooking, Instagramming and blogging—and outside those hours, look into the bright, clear eyes of my husband and daughter. I need to BE THERE in the MOMent without wondering how I can turn it into a clever post that will make me seek deep-seeded validation from the worldwide web.

I need to find moderation: use social media for its GOOD and stay proactively guarded against its BAD.

Doug: Thank you for your undivided attention, always. Thank you for not making me compete with a screen, like I’ve so often done to you. Thank you for being my right-hand human. Thank you for understanding that, for me, social media isn’t going anywhere—but that I’m committed to using it better, even as I follow this crazy new calling to write about our personal lives on the internet. Thank you for inspiring me to consider the other side: a life without social media. I learn so much from you every day.

Now I’m going to hit PUBLISH and walk to the park with Emerson.

And I’m leaving my phone at home because the world can live without me for a couple of hours.

But I’ll definitely be back later because I MUST track my daily number of blog hits.

#irony

#grace

#GodHelpUs