What’s In My Bag: The Real Mom Edition!

You know the US Weekly features in which celebrities dump out their purses for a picture and neat little article highlighting the dazzling, lust-worthy contents?

Yeah, me too. Featured LIARS!!!

Or maybe not. More likely I’m just raging jealous.

This morning, my car smelled vaguely of banana, admittedly in kind of a good way, but a weird way nevertheless. So I cautiously opened my purse, left overnight on the passenger seat, and saw, OH, sure enough, a browning banana chilling there in my beautiful handbag. Along with crumpled paper. And old gum. And stale goldfish. Just, chaos. JUST EVERYWHERE.

When I feel myself blushing in criminal mom shame with no one around, I know it’s probably a story worth PROTECTING FOREVER. Or, worth sharing with every mom that I know. It’s hard to decide sometimes, but with the holiday weekend, I’m feeling generous.

So, here is my real-life purse-dump as spring turns to summer and my chic turns to shambles—no withholding and clearly no pride:

Gerber Graduates Fruit & Veggie Melts: Very Berry Blend—Because these things are equal parts delicious and strange, and Emerson can’t get enough.
Brown Banana—Because I took this on-the-go for myself yesterday, since I have a problem with forgetting to feed myself all day. Evidently said problem persists.
Bib—Because I forget that I have a diaper bag for these things.
Target Receipt—Because, naturally.
Two Toddler Spoons—Because, REMEMBER THAT DIAPER BAG?!
2014 Day Planner—Because I now have to write things down or they may as well have never been spoken.
Two Sticks of Gum Half-Opened & Ingrained with Sand Particles—Because I’m a disgusting human being, apparently.
Hair Tie—Because I’m practical, and I finally understand why moms cut their hair even though I just CAN’T.
Bobby Pin—Because I keep cutting side bangs against my best efforts toward practicality.
Ziploc of Craisins—Because snacks that do not leave crumbs are a girl’s best friend. Diamonds, psshhh.
Hobo Wallet—Because every girl needs a Hobo wallet.
Swim Diaper—Because who needs a diaper bag?! I give up!!!
Tampons—Because that’s all part of it.
Check Book—Because babysitters.
Chanel Reading Glasses—Because I’m still classy, right??!!
Emerson’s Sunglasses—Because those sweet, light blue eyes.
Sunday School Nursery Claim Ticket—Because, why do I still have the claim ticket?! I believe this means I kidnapped my child.
Ear Phones—Because you never know when Mom will need music.
Five Pens—Because, THERE ARE ALL MY PENS!!!
Stray Goldfish—Because you can’t trust Ziplocs these days.
Kroger Hand Sanitizer—Because why do I pretend to be clean? See: Stray Goldfish.
MAC Dervish Lip Pencil—Because this is the best neutral-pink lip liner ever to hit planet earth.
Two Bobbi Brown Lip Glosses in Bright Pink—Because one is almost gone and one is brand new! So proud of myself for being on top of SOMETHING!
ChapStick—Because motherhood chaps things.
One Pink Tom—Because, OH MY, where is the other one??!!
iPhone—Because this thing is my savior, for better or worse.

I would also like to officially endorse the Louis Vuitton Neverfull as the world’s BEST mom purse. The magnitude and resilience will carry you through the most rigorous, marathon mom days. Gorgeous, classy and timeless, it is also reversible—two purses in one?! what?!—and available in three different sizes (I love the medium).

EVEN SO, let’s be real. This pricey beauty wasn’t exactly at the top of our priority list, with our newly single-income budget and the arrival of brand-new baby. It was a birthday gift. Emerson’s Grampa (my dad) has a glorious generosity problem from which I benefit greatly.

I am obsessed with all five of these similar purse options, equally fab and functional for a literal fraction of the price. Any one of these beauties will give even your lowest of MOMents some much-needed extra swag: