The flawless moment-to-be in our family’s history had played repeatedly in my head: soft violin music playing while my bridesmaid gown rippled in the wind, Emerson and I floating down the aisle side-by-side, me looking down lovingly while she wowed gushing wedding guests with her outrageous dimples and proficiency in scattering rose petals.
HA!!!!!!! WHY DID I THINK THIS WAS POSSIBLE???!!!
My baby brother, David, married his sweet, perfect, beautiful goddess of a new wife, Wendy, on Saturday, at the scenic and elegant Palos Verdes Golf Club. David and Wendy asked Emerson to be the flower girl months ago, to which naturally I replied, “But of course! Emerson will be THE BEST 15-month-old flower girl this world has EVER SEEN!” Oh, Stephanie of the Past. So naïve.
Here are the things I did right:
- We practiced for the wedding many times—check.
- We brought a wonderful babysitter, seated in the front and ready to seize her at the first sign of disruption—check.
- We made sure Emerson got her beauty sleep, even left her home from the rehearsal dinner and made her day-of nap a priority—check.
- We made sure her shoes were super comfortable and extremely walkable—check.
- We made sure she ate plenty of food and drank plenty of fluids all day—freaking checks all over the place.
None of it mattered, you guys.
The first sign of calamity came about 15 minutes before Go-Time—when of COURSE, I smelled a poopy diaper, which meant OF COURSE, I had to remove Emerson’s entire, quite complicated little gown because you can’t change a poopy diaper against a white gown. You also CANNOT have a flower girl smelling of poop. So, crouched in the corner of the bridal tower with the 10 other bridesmaids filling the space, regretting my sweating Spanx and feeling my curled hair wilt, I changed that diaper while Emerson screamed, no doubt feeling her mama’s stress.
As tradition would have it, this was also the exact time for Wendy’s bridesmaids to surround her with last-minute love and prayers. And screams and poop. WENDY, FORGIVE ME!!! Talk about crashing a moment.
Disaster continued to strike as we lined up to walk, music all cued. We had planned and practiced for weeks: Emerson would walk at my side, hold her basket and throw her rose petals. Right? WRONG! Girlfriend WOULD NOT be put down. Not for one second, not for the life of her. She became a frantic koala bear with a death grip donning a massive head-flower. I’m terrified all over again just writing about it.
Change of plans: Mommy would hold her. I’d carry her down the aisle, and still it would be super cute.
Actually, it worked pretty well, and according to this picture, it truthfully wasn’t too bad. I felt a little awkward and flustered, but I tried to have fun and smile at the guests and just pray we both wouldn’t tumble.
I made it to the front and took my place in the line-up. Holding Emerson. Deep breaths. She’ll make it through the ceremony. She’ll be fine. No, she will not make it. She started to wiggle and I knew it was time to act fast. I made strategic eye contact with our babysitter, Maddie—who like a stealth black cat, scooped her from me and headed out of the ceremony.
Two problems:
- Toddlers SCEAM when they’re scooped from their mommies.
- Down to the millisecond, this was the moment when Wendy appeared with her dad to walk her down the aisle.
I watched it unfold in slow motion. Wendy radiating like a sunbeam on her handsome dad’s arm, more angelic than I’ve ever seen her, gliding toward my brother, the groom—a holy moment, outside of time, one she can never get back. My small daughter literally crossing paths with the bride at the back of the lawn, piercing the perfect moment with screams of separation, confusion, and nerves.
I wanted to cry as Wendy drew nearer and the screams started to fade. Partly because Wendy was so breathtakingly stunning, and partly because THE SCREAMS WEREN’T FADING ENOUGH.
Even from inside the club, where Maddie the Wedding Saver had taken her, you could hear Emerson’s wails continue because, well OF COURSE, the pastor’s microphone wasn’t working.
Maybe my daughter’s cries were a little quieter to the guests than to me, because they always say that a baby’s cries are loudest to their mother. But, probably not. My heart sank and my hives spread and I tried to focus on the beautiful message the pastor was sharing. It was hard. I felt distracted and panicked, embarrassed for my screaming child but also hoping she wasn’t traumatized.
I could see a few people whispering to themselves and looking around for the screams. The wedding was passing me by. It was my baby brother’s wedding and it was totally passing me by. My daughter had ruined everything. I was totally crushed.
But then, the pastor announced in full sound, smooth voice booming, that it was time to do something that he had never done in a wedding before—to have all the bridesmaids and groomsmen surround David and Wendy, lay hands on them, and pray for them, silently.
Suddenly, maybe mostly because of the music playing, I couldn’t hear Emerson’s screams anymore. I snapped like a whip into the moment, and planted my hand firmly on my new sister’s shoulder. And I prayed for her. I prayed that she would embrace the adventure of marriage with open arms and wild abandon and fierce commitment. I prayed that she would love my brother well. I prayed for the church they hope to plant together someday, and for the many lost souls they would reach. I prayed that God’s presence would fill their household. I prayed that if sickness ever struck, that she would be brave. That if finances ever grew tight, that she would be trusting. I prayed for her future pregnancies, future children, future dreams and future disappointments. I prayed for grace, humility, passion and peace. And I prayed that someday, if her daughter screamed during a wedding, that she would just smile and breathe and not let it stress her out.
To be honest, that’s all I remember clearly about the ceremony, because of the screams. That—and my little brother’s face while he said his vows: clear-eyed, earnest, in love. But maybe those things are enough. For me, those will always be flawless moments in our family’s history.
After the ceremony, of course, I apologized profusely to David and Wendy for Emerson ruining their wedding. I moaned about how badly I felt, how I nearly cried, how I’d beg their forgiveness forever.
David: “Steph, Emerson saved the day! Right when I saw Wendy, I had this overwhelming feeling that I was going to start sobbing. The emotion was more than I could bear and I was about to lose it more than I’ve ever lost it before. But then, Emerson started screaming, and somehow all that emotion channeled into a laugh—and I seriously started cracking up. I was going to CRY, but she made me LAUGH.”
Wendy: “Are you kidding? I’m just so happy I got to see Emerson! If she didn’t pass me on my way down the aisle, I wouldn’t have got to see her at all! She looked SO beautiful!”
Talk about a couple in love. Talk about the coolest duo on earth. Talk about STEPH, calm down.
Sometimes, I get so caught up in my head about what other people are thinking in a certain moment or circumstance—related or unrelated to Emerson—that I lose out majorly on the present.
Sometimes, maybe I need to just let go a little, and laugh more, and notice the beautiful.
Also, David and Wendy’s symbol of unity in the ceremony was not a candle, or sand—but an Arnold Palmer. Why? Because lemonade is good, and iced tea is good, but they’re so much better together.
And also because, once you combine the two, you can no longer tell them apart.
When I reflect on the wedding day, that’s how I see it. The serenity was punctured with screams; the bride’s grand entrance off-set with a wild escape; the pretty fabric of my dress splotched with stains of motherly warriorhood.
But somehow, it all blends together, and I just remember the perfect day, all of it better together.
Nana says
So loved your mommy and Emme story. Just the way a 15 month should be.
Stephanie Mack says
🙂 Love my little princess!
Lauren D says
HAHAHAHHA
Booo hoo hoo
AWWW
(is exactly what I just did and said) I laughed so hard then started crying of cuteness then Aww of how sweet it must have been to see your baby brother get married! I love this post & u:) xoxo
Stephanie Mack says
Awwww, LOL, this warms my heart, Laurencita!!!! Your reaction = Priceless! UGH, it was the sweetest everrrr watching them get married. Just the most precious! Love you so much, sista! XXOO!
Torrie says
I love your blog and your prayer to them brought tears to my eyes! Beautiful! Congratulations to your family!
Stephanie Mack says
Awwww, Torrie!!! Thank you sooooo much!!! <3 <3 <3 One MAJOR plus of the day was my freshly highlighted locks, hehe! See you soon! XOXO!