Two-and-a-half years ago, I made the choice of a lifetime. With shaky fingers and a half-broken heart, I called my former employer to say that I wasn’t coming back from maternity leave after the birth of my firstborn daughter. I kicked. I cried. I doubted. Amid gnarly post-partum blues, lingering pounds and a full-blown identity crisis, I let go of a self I once knew. I trusted that God was guiding me, but man, did it hurt. I would no longer work full-time. I would become a stay-at-home mom.
Day after day, though, second by second: I grew. It was hard; so hard. But I grew. I learned that my identity was not in a job or hot body or a work trophy; it was in Christ. I discovered my greatest flaws (I AM SO SELFISH) along with my biggest strengths (I’m pretty calm in a crisis). Refusing to accept my new lifestyle as lonely and desperate, I built a community of mom friends who inspire me; support me; infuse actual life, hope and joy right into my soul. I learned how to lose 50-ish pounds. I discovered new depth in my marriage. I hunted down life-changing TJ’s hacks because making dinner is hard. I discovered the beauty in putting my sweet little people ahead of myself. In a very important way, I re-centered my faith.
In addition, before long, freelance writing opportunities began to crop up. I never once sought them out; they all came to me. Thank you, LinkedIn, you little underrated networking tool, you! People still wanted to pay me to write. Even after they read my blog and knew I was crazy! So write, I did, whenever I could. During naps, after bedtime, and mostly every Thursday when my sweet mom watches my girls, I “kept my thumb in the pie,” as my therapist mom friend describes it so perfectly. I fell into a rhythm of loving life at home as a mom, blogging about matters dear to my heart, and tackling freelance writing projects in my gaps of spare time.
In the name of complete transparency, though: I was fully prepared to put professional writing on the shelf after Hadley’s birth. Just embrace motherhood for the next five years, maybe reassess later. Two kids seemed sufficiently busy, and life at home had become my jam, my absolute happy place.
But there I was, nursing my not-yet 2-month-old late in the afternoon, when the opportunity popped right up in my freelance email account. A very nice man explained that he was a local publisher looking for someone part-time to manage and contribute online content for Pelican Hill magazine, which was close to launching its website. My first instinct was, “UGH! This is perfect for me!” But my second was, “I have a newborn, and this cuddly babe and her adjusting big sister are my sweet priority for the foreseeable future.”
So I stated my simple truth to the man, who seemed open and kind (he is!). “I am super interested; my hands are currently tied; I’ll be free in a few months; if the timing could work out, please let me know!”
Fast-forward several months, and I am fully submersed in this gig! Everything fell into place in the way that these God things do. If I were to take a napkin and jot down big dreams in a bulleted list of criteria for my ultimate mom job, this would be it. I get to work from home for a very manageable number of hours per week, on my own schedule, save for meetings. I get to research the trending-est places in Orange County, and make them sparkle in print. I get to bring in some extra bacon for my burgeoning tribe, which is good because I’m a girly girl mom with pre-existing tendencies toward overspending.
This is a really big step for me! I’ve entered into a legit part-time job while still figuring out the ins and outs of having two kids. Before moving forward with this opportunity, I spent days praying and processing, seeking counsel from the people who know me best. I love being home with my girls. But I also love writing and editing. Is it possible to reconcile these sides of me? Do they have to be mutually exclusive? I’ve been freelancing for quite some time now, so it’s not like writing from home is new turf for me. But I respect this publication so much, and they need someone phenomenal and committed; I only wanted to take this job if I knew I could rock the socks off of it.
Thankfully I read Lysa Terkeurst’s The Best Yes this year, because it was a sensational guide for me in navigating this choice. One of the most valuable things I gleaned from that book was the simple power of our “yes’s” and “no’s.” These tiny words dictate our lives. And to accept one opportunity, is inevitably to decline various others. As I nod “yes” to this job, I am shaking “nope” to little pockets of free time, certain really fun mommy play dates, and occasional time in the evenings with Doug. I know all too well that these years are so precious and fleeting, and how much my family relies on me.
But it’s also a thrilling, big “YES!!!” While I truly believe motherhood is my chief call of duty right now, the Lord has also filled me with a love and ambition for writing that I cannot suppress. From the time I could hold a pencil, I have been pouring out pages of words. It’s part of my fiber and being. Whether it’s professional work or entirely not, I think it’s so important to keep those inner sparks flickering, the ones that make your heart beat, your ears perk up, your mind acknowledge simply, “I love this.” Passions are given by God. Even if they have to take a back seat for a while—there are seasons, OF COURSE!—they deserve to stay in the car, or at the very least on a bumper sticker. Photography, fashion, crafting, singing, sewing, working out, writing, reading, cooking, designing, hosting… Whatever it is, keep doing it! If only in small slivers whenever you can, incorporating your kids in creative ways amid all of the chaos. The world needs passionate women and it needs them so much.
All that said: Being a woman is hard, guys! Especially today. The pressures, the Pinterest, the Instagram, the mere concept of Internet fame. Women just killing it everywhere, making it look so easy, the impossible standards shouting at a deafening volume, sometimes most loudly from inside ourselves, all making us feel unworthy and sad. Comparison is an ugly vice and one I struggle to shake. She’s doing it all. She’s such a good mom. She’s so skinny and has FOUR kids! UGH, those recipes; AS IF! THERE ARE 12 WHOLE INGREDIENTS! Her kids are so well-behaved. Her kid snacks are from Whole Foods; I’m failing. She’s a lawyer AND a mom and HOW is her hair always perfect?! I bet she is deeply stoked every second of every day of her life.
Can we all just admit this is hard? Every single little bit of it?
Here’s the deal, though. If you really get talking to almost any real woman, you realize we’re all the same. We share the same struggles, worries, and insecurities over failing in big and small ways. Perhaps most significantly, we’re all searching for meaning, purpose and love in the way we live our day-to-day lives. And you know what? None of us is exactly sure how to navigate the whole thing. GASP! We all have questions. We all have doubts. We all sometimes feel like we’re fumbling in the big quest for joy, fulfilling relationships, and kids who will rise up to call us blessed.
In the last few months, I’ve had dozens of intentional, sincere talks with good friends and even brand-new acquaintances about the balance of work, life and motherhood. After so many of these conversations, I have left play dates or laid my head on my pillow and felt tears of empathy well in my eyes. An anesthesiologist, now a mother of two, feeling the pull to maybe give it all up and stay home. (Do you know how much schooling this takes and how brilliant she must be?) An attorney who just quit her full-time job for a new part-time one, literally sparkling from the inside out because she’ll get more time with her son. A stay-at-home mom, so excited about the new business she’s building, because yeah; life with your kids all day every day can make you feel 10 shades of crazy, like you need something special for you. A writer, filled with endless questions about how she will balance things, praying to God that He’ll give her the strength and zeal to accomplish her tasks, trying always to cling to the truth that she is enough.
Of course, that last one is me.
But I feel peace. And I feel excitement. And of course, I still feel insane. I feel surrounded by sisters in my identical life stage, though, sifting through everything thrown at us while striving to live and mother with grace. I’m passionate about my new job, and also thrilled to be shaping two little ladies who will grow up with dreams of their own. I pray that the Lord keeps illuminating my next right step, my ever-faithful flashlight on the path in the dark, as He has never failed to do. The terrain is ever-changing for us as women; there are so many different seasons. We’ll never not need a compass, or each other’s overwhelming support.
Also, I want to be transparent about my help, in case you are curious, because I am always curious how professional women of any kind make it practically work with their kiddos. I have free child care (my sweet mom) for one full day per week (Thursdays), which allows me to do this job well, while also maintaining time for creative writing and sanity. In addition, I have a precious housekeeper/occasional-babysitter two other mornings per week. I have not cleaned my own house since 2008, and I rely on extra hands with my kids right now. That is my open “making it work, kinda” book. I’m surrounded by blessed saints who support me in living my best life. No single woman can “do it all,” at least not alone, and that is just the plain simple truth. If a woman tells you she can, she is lying, or miserably over-extended, and she probably needs a hug for an infinite number of reasons.
So, I’m doing it!!! I am officially a part of the Pelican Hill magazine team. I’m beyond ecstatic.
Finally, I will absolutely keep writing here on MOMentary Insanity, so please know this if you read on the reg! True, my free time has lessened. But I recently learned something fascinating about pelicans. Their huge bills can miraculously sense fish and animal creatures under water, which is useful for finding food when the waters are cloudy and they cannot see. That’s a little how I feel about blogging. Sometimes it feels just exactly like I’m talking into dark open space, with no clue as to who’s reading or listening.
But now and then, I check my post hits, and see that several hundred or even several thousand people read a particular post, or I get surprising sweet texts, comments, messages and emails that a post really touched someone’s heart; that the vulnerability from the deep parts of my soul met a woman in the deep parts of hers. And truly, that’s why I write here. If the words of one post inspire one friend, it is worth it for me. I really mean that. So I will keep on writing like a pelican, whenever I can, because I sense that women crave authentic stories and words of encouragement. Your tears and laughs are the only fuel I need.
All my love to you, friends! And if you ever read something you love, like it makes you really laugh or really cry or really inspired, would you consider letting me know on Facebook, Instagram, right here on the blog or at stephanie@stephaniemack.com? I want to know what kind of things you guys enjoy reading so I can focus my writing efforts accordingly!
Thank you SO MUCH for reading my words!
